Vipassana

KOLHAPUR, MAHARASHTRA - We ended up doing the 10-day Vipassana course (www.dhamma.org) in Kolhapur, because it fit our dates, and was near Mumbai, where we spent our Diwali.

Sameer and I had pretty different experiences during our 10 days. And, it's interesting, because you can't talk to each, nor anyone else... the experience is uninfluenced by any outside source. The experience is truly personal and differen for each individual.

Basically, for 10 days they teach you the technique of Vipassana meditation which was originally taught by Gautama, the Buddha, and you have to maintain complete silence (except you can ask questions to the Guruji). In a nutshell, the technique instructs you to concentrate on "reality as it is" in the "framework of your own body", and says that from this you are on your path of realization of "impermance" and gain "equanimity" of the mind. I'm not going to talk too much about the technique and all, because if you really want to try it, then you should experience it for yourself without too many preconceived notions.

During these 10 days, I learned how to do the technique, although I did not really get a FULL experience of the technique at the "deeper" levels, because my mind was agitated. One realization that I came to... is that I want to purify. For now, that is the goal... that purity brings such a lightness and such a naturalness to life and my actions. Once this level of purity increases, one can just really listen to that inner voice, that intuition, that "fire" and trust it and follow it. This makes things a little clearer, but there are still so many methods to "purify" - selfless action, meditation, devotion, etc. Personally, I was pretty wrapped up in thoughts of my past actions, and my desires during the 10 days.

I'll share a story:
On the 5th day, I told the Guruji that my 4:30-6:30 AM meditation session was going poorly - i couldn't concentrate, I was drowsy, I couldn't keep still, etc. I wanted some advice on how to improve that early session. He said, "Just come at 5 or 5:15 am, instead. In my mind - "Swet, I got permission to sleep more from the Guruji!"
The way they wake us up is a guy goes around ringing a bell. So, on the 6th day, this guy is coming around ringing the bell, and I'm just annoyed. I'm thinking, "Dude, the Guruji said I can sleep longer... doesn't this punk know this!? this is such a terrible way of waking people up, etc..." lots of negative thoughts. I get back to sleep and sleep for another 20-25 minutes.
The NEXT morning, the guy rings his bell, and at about 4:30, he sees my chappals are still outside the room AND the lights are on (my roommate left them on before he left), so he knocks on the door to wke me up. I get out of bed and open the door, really agitated, and since I can't explain to him the situation (we can't talk), I quickly wash my face, and head to the meditation hall, thoroughly agitated, again.
The NEXT morning, again, the guy rings his bell, and I can tell he's a little far away. I'm half-asleep, but I remember what happenned the morning before. All I remember is that these thoughts came rush to my head - "get the chappals, bring them inside, turn off the lights, and go back to sleep before he gets here... so he won't knock on my door again." The next CLEAR memory I have - I opened my eyes, waking up, and I didn't really know where I was... I realized that I was on the floor in the pitch-dark, and my head hurt a little bit. I saw my chappals inside , and then I started to remember that I switched off the light. And, then, I also remember stumbling, falling, as well... but not completely. I don't recall bringing in my sandals at all. I did all these acts while I was still half asleep.... and it took me a minute or so to really piece together what had happenned. It definitely shocked me and scared me. I was just in a daze, confused, and at this point, trying to calm my mind down. Things like this don't really happen to me... I don't faint, throw up, get dizzy, sleepwalk, etc.. very often. What was happenning?
And, then.. I just sat on my bed... and thought and stared into the darkness... stared into myself... this is me, and this is how I've been feeling for a while, now. Analogizing - as long as my mind remains agitated, and I continue to try to hide things and turn off the lights so others won't see, won't know the "real" me -- then I'm going to end up... alone... on the ground... in the dark... with my head hurting... and not being able to fully comprehend how I ended up in that state.

EPILOGUE - The 10-day shibhir was not a "negative" experience by any means for me... it did not make me "depressed". The agitation and that feeling was already within me, and would surface every now-and-then... and at other times, I would try to supress it and hide it. Instead, these 10 days gave me a positive look... just view the reality of the situation... and it gave me a bit of faith that I can work my way out this stage.