Who am I?
MUMBAI - It's the day before we leave for Vipassana (www.dhamma.org).
Who am I? Is the real me the person I am with my parents? Is it the person I am with my friends? Is it the person I am when I first meet someone new? Is it the person I am when I am by myself? Is it the person I was when I was at work? Is it the person I am when I am involved in something I'm passionate about, or when I'm involved in something I couldn't care less about?
I don't think this question can be answered that simply. The "real" me is a composite of all these "me's". I cannot claim that one is "really" me and another is a "false". If I do that, then I'm denying a part of my personality that does exist... and without aknowledging it, I cannot improve on it. What I have to attempt to do... is to get myself to act according to my beliefs in principles in all these different scenarios. To those that have one mode... they don't have the problem of "different me's".
~~~~~~
How important is confession? Confessing to others, the things that I've done in the past that eat me up inside? People talk about how Gandhiji just led his entire life as an open book, even the way he acted when he was younger (treating his wife disrepectfully, etc.). But, he wrote all that in his Autobiography and talked about it afterwards... after he was completly over it, and spiritually past that point. At that point, it seems like it would be much easier. But, what about when you're not over it? Do you need to confess it to others to get over it?
~~~~~~
I keep going back-n-forth. I'm in Ahmedabad, in the moment, travelling around Saurrashtra.... and that's it, my eye is on the path, on the goal.... I want self-development and self-purification. I want to have that feeling of connectedness with the rest of the world.... Swadhyay describes it as "the same God that resides in me, resides in others". Nipun described it as seeing everyone that he met as just an extension of himself. SIDH described it as everyone in the world being completely interdependent and interconnected. However it is explained... I want to have that feeling.
Then, there are other times, I'm thinking to myself, "Who am I kidding?" I get to Mumbai, and realize that I miss pop culture and following sports. I get the desire to come back to the States, so I can go out and party, and hang out with my friends, and just have fun without any worries.
I had decided to make a "sankalp" (resolution) per week. The first week, I decided to stop drinking soda. The reason being - I've been drinking a lot of it out here, and soda is only harmful. On top of that, all soda out here is owned by Pepsi or Coke, so I'm buying American... which I'd like to do less of while I'm here. The second week, I decided to eat only fruits, water, and nuts on every Monday. The reason being - I've been pigging out out here, and don't seem to have much control over my desire for food and good, tasty food. This idea of "self-control" needs to be brought back. The third week, to stop ALL dairy products. I already don't drink milk, chaas (buttermilk), dai (yoghurt), and ice cream... because of my lactose intolerance. But, I also want to stop butter, ghee, paneer, cheese, etc. as well. I've always wanted to go "vegan". Reason being - My thinking is that if we get to the stage when we can be just as healthy without animal products, then we shouldn't use them. In the same way, I feel that if one is in a situation where they must eat meat (for health reasons, lack of other protein alternatives, etc.), then they should eat it.
Okay... soo, all these sankalps are good things, right? Well... I haven't been strong enough to keep ANY of them! The soda one I broke twice... the SOMVAAR (Monday fast) I broke one out of 4 Monday's.... and the "vegan" I haven't really had the guts to tell those cooking for me not to use butter, ghee, etc.
Then, I go back... and read my journal... and read my journal from when I was in India 3 years ago. I get involved in discussions with Sameer, or, here in Mumbai, with Bhaskar Mama... and again, I feel it... no, this is right. I'm searching for my purpose... and nothing is going to hold me back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, in this state of mind... I'm headed off to Kohlapur for 10-day Vipassana Meditation Shibhir. Complete silence for 10 days... and a whole lot of self-exploration. I really wish that my mind would just steady and focus....
Who am I? Is the real me the person I am with my parents? Is it the person I am with my friends? Is it the person I am when I first meet someone new? Is it the person I am when I am by myself? Is it the person I was when I was at work? Is it the person I am when I am involved in something I'm passionate about, or when I'm involved in something I couldn't care less about?
I don't think this question can be answered that simply. The "real" me is a composite of all these "me's". I cannot claim that one is "really" me and another is a "false". If I do that, then I'm denying a part of my personality that does exist... and without aknowledging it, I cannot improve on it. What I have to attempt to do... is to get myself to act according to my beliefs in principles in all these different scenarios. To those that have one mode... they don't have the problem of "different me's".
~~~~~~
How important is confession? Confessing to others, the things that I've done in the past that eat me up inside? People talk about how Gandhiji just led his entire life as an open book, even the way he acted when he was younger (treating his wife disrepectfully, etc.). But, he wrote all that in his Autobiography and talked about it afterwards... after he was completly over it, and spiritually past that point. At that point, it seems like it would be much easier. But, what about when you're not over it? Do you need to confess it to others to get over it?
~~~~~~
I keep going back-n-forth. I'm in Ahmedabad, in the moment, travelling around Saurrashtra.... and that's it, my eye is on the path, on the goal.... I want self-development and self-purification. I want to have that feeling of connectedness with the rest of the world.... Swadhyay describes it as "the same God that resides in me, resides in others". Nipun described it as seeing everyone that he met as just an extension of himself. SIDH described it as everyone in the world being completely interdependent and interconnected. However it is explained... I want to have that feeling.
Then, there are other times, I'm thinking to myself, "Who am I kidding?" I get to Mumbai, and realize that I miss pop culture and following sports. I get the desire to come back to the States, so I can go out and party, and hang out with my friends, and just have fun without any worries.
I had decided to make a "sankalp" (resolution) per week. The first week, I decided to stop drinking soda. The reason being - I've been drinking a lot of it out here, and soda is only harmful. On top of that, all soda out here is owned by Pepsi or Coke, so I'm buying American... which I'd like to do less of while I'm here. The second week, I decided to eat only fruits, water, and nuts on every Monday. The reason being - I've been pigging out out here, and don't seem to have much control over my desire for food and good, tasty food. This idea of "self-control" needs to be brought back. The third week, to stop ALL dairy products. I already don't drink milk, chaas (buttermilk), dai (yoghurt), and ice cream... because of my lactose intolerance. But, I also want to stop butter, ghee, paneer, cheese, etc. as well. I've always wanted to go "vegan". Reason being - My thinking is that if we get to the stage when we can be just as healthy without animal products, then we shouldn't use them. In the same way, I feel that if one is in a situation where they must eat meat (for health reasons, lack of other protein alternatives, etc.), then they should eat it.
Okay... soo, all these sankalps are good things, right? Well... I haven't been strong enough to keep ANY of them! The soda one I broke twice... the SOMVAAR (Monday fast) I broke one out of 4 Monday's.... and the "vegan" I haven't really had the guts to tell those cooking for me not to use butter, ghee, etc.
Then, I go back... and read my journal... and read my journal from when I was in India 3 years ago. I get involved in discussions with Sameer, or, here in Mumbai, with Bhaskar Mama... and again, I feel it... no, this is right. I'm searching for my purpose... and nothing is going to hold me back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, in this state of mind... I'm headed off to Kohlapur for 10-day Vipassana Meditation Shibhir. Complete silence for 10 days... and a whole lot of self-exploration. I really wish that my mind would just steady and focus....
posted by Raj Kanani | 5:02 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Raj,
You may want to read this about Vipasaana
http://www.francoisgautier.com/Written%20Material/buddhism2-ie.rtf
It is written by a well known French journalist - Francois Gautier who has been staying India for last many years.
In short - Vipasaana is nothing but trying to promote Budhism in disguise. Also remember this - Mr. Goenka, founder of Vipasaana suggest one should stay away from all rites/rituals where as our Puj. Dadaji taught us the meaning behind the retuals, our cultural symbols (you may want to read 'Sanskruti Pujan' if you haven't read so far) and follow them after understanding the rationale behind it.
So, while it is good to check out what's out there but one gotta be careful.
Good luck.
Your divine brother.
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