Thanksgiving.

AHMEDABAD, GUJARAT

Thank you to ALLL my friends, family, and relatives for just being.

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Living with 4 other guys, sitting around all day listening to MP3's, playing ball at around 5 pm, coming back home and washing up, getting a quick dinner, and then going to a concert.... Sounds like college, huh? Welll, that was my day yesterday in Ahmedabad!

We've been here for 6 days now, and have basically lived the life we did at "college". It's definitely been fun and comfortable. I've been at Seva Cafe for a couple nights... washing dishes each night for about 5 hours. That place is THE happenning spot in Ahmedabad. =)

But, I'm ready to move on... what next?

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I went to this bookstore in Ahmedabad called "Crossword". Basically, it's like a Barnes N Noble or Borders... it even has a coffee shop attached to it! I went there to look for a book on "Vipassana", because as I attempt to practice this meditation daily, I'd like the book to remind me of the principles and theory behind it. So, after searching for a while, I found the book. As I was walking to the cash register, I saw "Siddhartha" by Herman Hesse on the "International Bestseller" shelf staring right at me. At one point in Vipassana, I had thought to myself, "I want to read 'Siddhartha' again." I haven't read it in a year or two. So, there it was and I had to get it.

It took me a few days to read and here are some quotes that stood-out to me:

"And whenever he awakened from this hateful spell, when he saw his face reflected in the mirror on the wall of his bedroom, grown older and uglier, whenever shame and nausea overtook him, he fled again, fled to a new game of chance, fled in confusion to passion, to wine, and from there back again to the urge for acquiring and hoarding welath. He wore himself out in this senseless cycle, became old and sick."

"And yet this path has been good and the bird in my breast has not died. But what a path it has been! I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. But it was right that it should be so; my eyes and heart acclaim it. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace, to hear Om again, to sleep deeply again and awaken refreshed again. I had to become a fool again in order to find Atman in myself. I had to sin in order to live again. Whither will my path yet lead me? This path is stupid, it goes in spirals, perhaps in circles, but whichever way it goes, I will follow it."

"Perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find. When someone is seeking, it happens quite easily that he only sees the thing that he is seeking; that he is unable to find anything, unable to absorb anything, because he is only thinking of the thing he is seeking, because he has a goal, because he is obsessed with his goal. Seeking means: to have a goal; but finding means: to be free, to be receptive, to have no goal. You are perhaps a seeker, for in striving towards your goal, you do not see many things that are under your nose."

"Knowledge can be communicated, but not wisdom. One can find it, be fortified by it, do wonders through it, but one cannot communicate and teach it."

"The world is not imperfect or slowly evolving along a long path to perfection. No, it is perfect at every moment; every sin already carries grave within it, all small chldren are potential old men, all sucklings have death within them, all dying people - eternal life. It is not possible for one person to see hor far another is on the way; the Buddha exists in the robber and dice player; the robber exists in the Brahmin. "

"I learned though my body and soul that it was necessary for me to sin, that I needed lust, that I had to strive for propoerty and experience nausea and the depths of despair in order to learn not to resist them, in order to learn to love the world, and no longer compare it with some kind of desired imaginary world, some imaginary vision of perfection, but to leave it as it is, to love it, and be glad to belong it."

"It seems to me that love is the most important thing in the world. It may be important to great thinkers to examine the world, to explain and despise it. But I think it is only important to love the world, not to despise it..."

The Life I'd like to Lead

I'd like to be able to be completely honest with those close to me... my family and friends.
I'd like to be able to stop placing importance on the "image" of Raj that I have created for others.
I'd like to purify my thoughts and mind, so then, I could act more freely and confidently.
I'd like to have more control over my mind.

I'd like to get involved in some work that I'm passionate about for a cause that I believe in.
I'd like to live a balanced life, and be able to meditate daily.
I'd like to instill some more devotion into my daily life, to the Higher Power.
I'd like to constantly push my limits.
I'd like to be surrounded by loved ones, friends and family... in person, or through spirit (email).
I'd like to be able to show my gratefulness for those that have helped me along the way.

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I came to India to learn something about India, instead I've learned more about myself.

I came to India to give back to India, instead India is giving me so much more.

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Inspiring song lyrics... from a Gospel song that we used to listen to Freshmen year:

I WANT TO KNOW YOU MORE

In the secret, in the quiet place,
In the stillness, You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour,
I wait only for You
’Cause I want to know You more.

(Chorus)
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize.
Pressing onwards,
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
’Cause I want to know You more.

Chorus x 2

In the secret
In the quiet place
In the stillness,
You are there.

Chorus x 2

Vipassana - All Over the World!

If anyone is interested in taking a Vipassana course... they have centers all over the world (including California!). You can visit the site: www.dhamma.org. All the information is on that site. In the U.S., it's always hard to find time... find 10 days to actually do something like those. Those that are in school, summer vacation, winter vacation are possibilities. Those that are working... I'm not sure... you probably don't want to use your annual vacation time on this... but if you do, it's definitely not a waste.

More inspiration

Just another incredible, inspiring real-life happenning...
http://www.bethechange.org/blog/mark/index.php?p=114#more-114

Vipassana

KOLHAPUR, MAHARASHTRA - We ended up doing the 10-day Vipassana course (www.dhamma.org) in Kolhapur, because it fit our dates, and was near Mumbai, where we spent our Diwali.

Sameer and I had pretty different experiences during our 10 days. And, it's interesting, because you can't talk to each, nor anyone else... the experience is uninfluenced by any outside source. The experience is truly personal and differen for each individual.

Basically, for 10 days they teach you the technique of Vipassana meditation which was originally taught by Gautama, the Buddha, and you have to maintain complete silence (except you can ask questions to the Guruji). In a nutshell, the technique instructs you to concentrate on "reality as it is" in the "framework of your own body", and says that from this you are on your path of realization of "impermance" and gain "equanimity" of the mind. I'm not going to talk too much about the technique and all, because if you really want to try it, then you should experience it for yourself without too many preconceived notions.

During these 10 days, I learned how to do the technique, although I did not really get a FULL experience of the technique at the "deeper" levels, because my mind was agitated. One realization that I came to... is that I want to purify. For now, that is the goal... that purity brings such a lightness and such a naturalness to life and my actions. Once this level of purity increases, one can just really listen to that inner voice, that intuition, that "fire" and trust it and follow it. This makes things a little clearer, but there are still so many methods to "purify" - selfless action, meditation, devotion, etc. Personally, I was pretty wrapped up in thoughts of my past actions, and my desires during the 10 days.

I'll share a story:
On the 5th day, I told the Guruji that my 4:30-6:30 AM meditation session was going poorly - i couldn't concentrate, I was drowsy, I couldn't keep still, etc. I wanted some advice on how to improve that early session. He said, "Just come at 5 or 5:15 am, instead. In my mind - "Swet, I got permission to sleep more from the Guruji!"
The way they wake us up is a guy goes around ringing a bell. So, on the 6th day, this guy is coming around ringing the bell, and I'm just annoyed. I'm thinking, "Dude, the Guruji said I can sleep longer... doesn't this punk know this!? this is such a terrible way of waking people up, etc..." lots of negative thoughts. I get back to sleep and sleep for another 20-25 minutes.
The NEXT morning, the guy rings his bell, and at about 4:30, he sees my chappals are still outside the room AND the lights are on (my roommate left them on before he left), so he knocks on the door to wke me up. I get out of bed and open the door, really agitated, and since I can't explain to him the situation (we can't talk), I quickly wash my face, and head to the meditation hall, thoroughly agitated, again.
The NEXT morning, again, the guy rings his bell, and I can tell he's a little far away. I'm half-asleep, but I remember what happenned the morning before. All I remember is that these thoughts came rush to my head - "get the chappals, bring them inside, turn off the lights, and go back to sleep before he gets here... so he won't knock on my door again." The next CLEAR memory I have - I opened my eyes, waking up, and I didn't really know where I was... I realized that I was on the floor in the pitch-dark, and my head hurt a little bit. I saw my chappals inside , and then I started to remember that I switched off the light. And, then, I also remember stumbling, falling, as well... but not completely. I don't recall bringing in my sandals at all. I did all these acts while I was still half asleep.... and it took me a minute or so to really piece together what had happenned. It definitely shocked me and scared me. I was just in a daze, confused, and at this point, trying to calm my mind down. Things like this don't really happen to me... I don't faint, throw up, get dizzy, sleepwalk, etc.. very often. What was happenning?
And, then.. I just sat on my bed... and thought and stared into the darkness... stared into myself... this is me, and this is how I've been feeling for a while, now. Analogizing - as long as my mind remains agitated, and I continue to try to hide things and turn off the lights so others won't see, won't know the "real" me -- then I'm going to end up... alone... on the ground... in the dark... with my head hurting... and not being able to fully comprehend how I ended up in that state.

EPILOGUE - The 10-day shibhir was not a "negative" experience by any means for me... it did not make me "depressed". The agitation and that feeling was already within me, and would surface every now-and-then... and at other times, I would try to supress it and hide it. Instead, these 10 days gave me a positive look... just view the reality of the situation... and it gave me a bit of faith that I can work my way out this stage.

Who am I?

MUMBAI - It's the day before we leave for Vipassana (www.dhamma.org).

Who am I? Is the real me the person I am with my parents? Is it the person I am with my friends? Is it the person I am when I first meet someone new? Is it the person I am when I am by myself? Is it the person I was when I was at work? Is it the person I am when I am involved in something I'm passionate about, or when I'm involved in something I couldn't care less about?

I don't think this question can be answered that simply. The "real" me is a composite of all these "me's". I cannot claim that one is "really" me and another is a "false". If I do that, then I'm denying a part of my personality that does exist... and without aknowledging it, I cannot improve on it. What I have to attempt to do... is to get myself to act according to my beliefs in principles in all these different scenarios. To those that have one mode... they don't have the problem of "different me's".

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How important is confession? Confessing to others, the things that I've done in the past that eat me up inside? People talk about how Gandhiji just led his entire life as an open book, even the way he acted when he was younger (treating his wife disrepectfully, etc.). But, he wrote all that in his Autobiography and talked about it afterwards... after he was completly over it, and spiritually past that point. At that point, it seems like it would be much easier. But, what about when you're not over it? Do you need to confess it to others to get over it?

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I keep going back-n-forth. I'm in Ahmedabad, in the moment, travelling around Saurrashtra.... and that's it, my eye is on the path, on the goal.... I want self-development and self-purification. I want to have that feeling of connectedness with the rest of the world.... Swadhyay describes it as "the same God that resides in me, resides in others". Nipun described it as seeing everyone that he met as just an extension of himself. SIDH described it as everyone in the world being completely interdependent and interconnected. However it is explained... I want to have that feeling.

Then, there are other times, I'm thinking to myself, "Who am I kidding?" I get to Mumbai, and realize that I miss pop culture and following sports. I get the desire to come back to the States, so I can go out and party, and hang out with my friends, and just have fun without any worries.

I had decided to make a "sankalp" (resolution) per week. The first week, I decided to stop drinking soda. The reason being - I've been drinking a lot of it out here, and soda is only harmful. On top of that, all soda out here is owned by Pepsi or Coke, so I'm buying American... which I'd like to do less of while I'm here. The second week, I decided to eat only fruits, water, and nuts on every Monday. The reason being - I've been pigging out out here, and don't seem to have much control over my desire for food and good, tasty food. This idea of "self-control" needs to be brought back. The third week, to stop ALL dairy products. I already don't drink milk, chaas (buttermilk), dai (yoghurt), and ice cream... because of my lactose intolerance. But, I also want to stop butter, ghee, paneer, cheese, etc. as well. I've always wanted to go "vegan". Reason being - My thinking is that if we get to the stage when we can be just as healthy without animal products, then we shouldn't use them. In the same way, I feel that if one is in a situation where they must eat meat (for health reasons, lack of other protein alternatives, etc.), then they should eat it.

Okay... soo, all these sankalps are good things, right? Well... I haven't been strong enough to keep ANY of them! The soda one I broke twice... the SOMVAAR (Monday fast) I broke one out of 4 Monday's.... and the "vegan" I haven't really had the guts to tell those cooking for me not to use butter, ghee, etc.

Then, I go back... and read my journal... and read my journal from when I was in India 3 years ago. I get involved in discussions with Sameer, or, here in Mumbai, with Bhaskar Mama... and again, I feel it... no, this is right. I'm searching for my purpose... and nothing is going to hold me back.

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So, in this state of mind... I'm headed off to Kohlapur for 10-day Vipassana Meditation Shibhir. Complete silence for 10 days... and a whole lot of self-exploration. I really wish that my mind would just steady and focus....

Saurashtra

We headed into the gaams of Saurashtra, the heart of the Swadhyay karya (work), hoping to get a clearer picture of the effects of Swadhyay, the workings of Swadhyay, the understanding of prayogs, and connecting to people who have been affected by the karya.

I've been born and raised in a Swadhyay environment from the age of 5. I started out in Bal Sanskar Kendra, hearing stories of Indian saints, and from the Ramayan and Mahabharat. Then, it was on to Junior DBT... and DBT... Youth camps... where I was really able to develop my ability to think independently and the curiosity for spirituality and Indian culture was awoken. I am grateful for all this... but grateful to who? or to what?

Over the last few years... I've questioned the direction that I think Swadhyay has taken... and I've also questioned the direction that I have taken.

But, I'm still grateful, and out of this gratefulness... I desired to find out for myself... hopefully, to really be able to feel what's right... and what's the right path of action for me to take.

From when we were young, we always heard that to REALLY see Swadhyay work, you have to go to the gaams.... so, that's where we went as we spent 12 days in Saurashtra.

After that, we came back to Mumbai to spend Diwali with uor families.... and I was able to share my stories from the gaams with those that have been involved in Swadhyay for a LONG time, and hear their viewpoints and ideas, as well.

One day, when I have a lot of time... I'll share my thoughts on my experiences here...