The Family Trip

So, I don’t really know where to start. First, thanks Amir… the first “guest-blogger” to actually come through with a blog! I’ve had many flakers so far… I won’t name names (Prach, Biggie, Neilu, Sagu, P-money, Shivu…)… well, at least I didn’t use any of their real names. It is never too late, though. Years from now, I’ll read this blog to reminisce about this journey to India… but I’ll have 2 gaping holes… so... no guilt trip… =P

Back to.. where shall I start? Amir did a good job of summarizing our “family trip”. I think we all had a blast.. seeing a variety of different sites and travelling in a multitude of manners. =)

For me, it was interesting… because I felt like I was gaining momentum, I had just finished the Jeevan Vidya shibhir, and met Babaji in Amarkantak…. I had talked to Pawanji and Anuradhaji (founders of SIDH) in Amarkantak about coming to SIDH and what are the different possibilities there, what’s going on, etc. So, it seemed like the ball was rolling.

On the long journey back from Amarkantak to Mumbai [bus, which broke down, waited an hour, took a rikshaw, to a train station in Bilaspur, night train to Nagpur (in general class – sitting on wooden benches with people ALL around us), where we spent the day with a friend named Alok, and then took a night-train to Mumbai (at least it was sleeper class) – this was the quickest route back that we found…], I was getting really excited about my family coming out here. The things I miss the most out here are my family and my friends. So, having family out here was definitely exciting. Also, I knew that my parents would come out here and really challenge me, and ask the tough questions. As much as I hate to hear them sometimes, I know they’re good for me… because they make me think everything through. On the train, I even prepared myself for questions that I thought my mom would ask me: 1) How long do you plan on staying out here? 2) When are you going to get married? 3) What org. are you going to stay at now? 4) What about your career? And, so… I prepared myself. Welll…. I prepared myself for the tough questions… but I forgot about all the little things – Cut your hair. Shave. Get new clothes. Eat more. Drink milk. Etc. Trying to explain these things was a little more difficult… as, basically, the general response from my family and relatives was something like – how are you going to find a girl dressed like that, with your hair like that?

So, first couple weeks with mom was pretty good… we did the Ramdevji (Yoga and pranayam) shibhir… and so now I have some yoga asanas, and various pranayams (breathing exercises – best translation) in my repertoire. Then, the whole family came in… dad, sister, and bro-in-law. It was definitely exciting to show Amir the ropes on his first trip to India! And… going to Ahmedabad with Ami and just seeing how everyone at Manav Sadhna adores here was awesome!

And then we started our whirlwind tour of Jaisalmer, Jaipur, Amritsar, Matheran (then Ami-Amir left), Haridwar, Rishikesh, Mussoorie, Kempty (SIDH). I enjoy doing the touristy things… but now that I’ve been out for a while, I much prefer staying in one place at least for a few days, and getting to know people in the community, etc. This trip was just so fast for me… and by the end, I felt like my momentum was gone. Well.. I had this fear that I lost my momentum… and because of this fear… my view of “family trip” was a bit skewed. But, in the moment… I enjoyed every minute of every place we went… I give mad props to everyone in the family for spending TWO nights on the train in Sleeper class (2^nd class, non-AC)… and really, everyone was in a good mood and having fun almost the entire time!

But, when we got back to Mumbai… and I wasn’t in the same “state of mind” as I was a month ago… I was a bit afraid. During the trip, I rarely talked about my experiences out here so far… and my state-of-mind… my thoughts…. etc… so, they seemed so far away.

Then, my sister and Amir left… and the parents and I headed to Rishikesh, via Delhi. I knew that the final destination was SIDH… but, still.. I just felt I wasn’t in the right state-of-mind to start my time here at SIDH, exploring “education”, and focusing on my own “holistic development”. And, again, it was just a quick trip… one night in Haridwar, one night in Rishikesh and one night in Mussoorie. One of the turning points was sitting on the banks of the Ganga for the Aarti in Rishikesh at Paramarth Niketan with my parents. About 5 months ago, Sampat and I sat in the same spot, and during the Aarti, then… I had my first just “light” feeling during my trip. And this time, with my parents, I got that same feeling. I asked my mom, what lesson does the river give? She said – the river is always flowing, and because it is flowing it stays pure and clean. In the same manner, we have to keep the flow of good thoughts flowing… so we can stay pure, as well. My mom asked me what lesson I got from the river… and I didn’t tell her then (because she’s already afraid of me becoming a sadhu)… but the lesson I got, at that moment – “The river has its goal – the ever-expansive ocean. And, no matter what obstacle comes in its path, it’s going to reach its goal. But, that’s not all. The river has a certain way of dealing with its obstacles (huge boulders in its path, mountains, etc.) – it doesn’t confront and destroy them right away… but it withers away at them… slowly, persistently, patiently, but with a quiet determination… Years later… the boulder that was once in river’s path, has now eroded away… and has become a part of the river itself.”

The next day, we headed to Mussoorie, and Kempty (the village where SIDH is located)… my mom was a little afraid as its up in the mountains, and the roads aren’t the best… but we made it. They met some of the people here and saw their “bhav” (rough translation – emotion, love), and knew it’d be a good place for me. That night, we were eating at a restaurant… and I threw a quick little tantrum with my parents… “It makes it so hard for me out here.. because I feel that you don’t support me. You don’t even try to understand my life out here, etc.” It was completely uncalled for. More than anything… I was having doubts at that point… what am I doing here? Have I gotten anything out of this trip? Where is my life going? And because of these doubts… I lashed out. And, I’ve seen that usually whenever I have any ill will to anyone else… whenever I’m angry… whenever I “lash out”…. usually… it’s not because of anything external… but it’s because of something within… it’s because I’m in an agitated state for some reason. It may be sparked by something external… but the real cause.. is within.

The next morning… my parents left at about 7 am… I said bye to them, and went back to sleep… woke up around 8:30 am… That morning… it was strange… I just felt so afraid, so alone. I don’t really know why… I mean, I’ve traveled India, mostly with Sampat… but towards the end, I’ve been “alone” as well.

At around 9:30… Pawanji and Anuradha Didi picked me up to take me to the SIDH center in Kempty… starting from the conversation with them in the car, and everything that has happened since then… I feel like there’s nothing that can be more ideal for me right now than the situation I’m in.