"Missing" You

I have decided to stay out here in India... until late November, early December. What makes this such a tough decision for me is my family and friends. My parents, especially my mom, are very emotionally affected by the decision. They really miss me... it's only 2 of them in the house, and basically want me home as soon as possible. Every time I talk to them I attempt to explain what I'm thinking, and why I want to stay out here, and what I'm doing out here, and how it's important to me, etc. I feel that if I had a job and was working in London, then things would be different. Then, they wouldn't be saying, "Quit that job, and come back home..." They would, of course, like me to visit, and they would visit me, but, probably... they would think that my being in London was justified.

And this is where my parents' opinions, conditioning, beliefs, assumptions, etc. come into play (in Hindi ~~> maanyataa). They aren't able to fully understand yet what I am aiming at, and of course... it's not easy... because I don't even fully understand yet what I am aiming at.

What exactly is meant when someone says "I miss you"? I definitely love my parents, family, and friends. And, there are many times when I wish y'all were here with me, or I wish I was with you guys... so, I guess you can say I "miss" all of you. But even missing only happens in "moments"... you can't miss someone continually... throughout the day... throughout your waking hours. Certain moments remind you of someone, so you may "miss" them. You may start thinking and your thoughts may lead you to a person or an event past, so that nostalgia may make you "miss" them. But in the end, it's in moments. So, when one says, "come back home, i miss you.. we miss you," it doesn't completely make sense to me. "I miss you" somewhat makes sense... but "come back home"... yeah, there will be a good feeling for a while when we meet, when we talk, but how many times is that? once-a-week? once-a-month? What does make sense to me is that I do get support (emotional and mental) from my friends, and do get support from my family... and when this is lacking, there definitely is a void. Maybe this feeling is what is meant by "missing"?

I'm talking to Manks online right now, and we're talking about "missing", as she and Neil are soon going to be separated distance-wise as well. Actually... I'm going to cut-n-paste our convo:

me: hey... what does "i miss you".. mean? i'm trying to figure it out....

Maneka: uh oh

me: writing a blog entry pondering it right now as well...

Maneka: oh i see

me: I'm just wondering if "I miss you" is a good enuf reason for me to come back home?

Maneka: it means i want you to come home

me: for me... it isn't....

Maneka: yes.. hhaha. if i were you, i would say that too... and actually, yea it probably isnt

me: it's tough with the parents. I want to stay out here... 95% sure, i'm making my decision by tomorrow...

Maneka: but thats all we can offer from our end as far as incentive goes

me: talked to parents yesterday and today...

Maneka: oh wow. that soon. and?

me: and mom is taking it tough emotionally...

Maneka: i can understand that

me: but what is it really? if i had a job in London and was making money.... would they still be saying, "quit the job and come back home, we miss you."

Maneka: me and neil are going to be across coasts and THATS hard.... i can understand how your mom feels

me: is it really the feeling of missing? or is it the feeling of not completely understanding what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

Maneka: well, they would still want you home, but theyd feel better about your decision maybe

ohhh

well thats a DIFFERENT question... for your parents maybe.

for others, missing is just missing

me: but in the end.... missing.. i think.. and i think you agree... has to be dealt with if the cause of the separation is just/right

Maneka: agreed

i dunno, i think missing for a lot of people, is just an expression to you, to let you know that people are still thinking about you, still caring about you

its not something to deal with

me: like, you're definitely going to "miss" Neil a lot.... but, the cause for the space-separation is justified. ... in that way... you'll have "dealt" with that feeling...

or not?

Maneka: i dont think so

me: well.. if "missing" is i care about, i think about you...

then what is "i want you here physically near me"...

and where is the connection between those 2?

(i think all this applies to my situation with parents... and your situation with neil... although there are some differences...)

Maneka: missing is all of that at once

i agree

actually, i think missing has a lot of that physical proximity factor to it

me: is there a connection btwn. "understand" and "feeling"?? If i fully understand why we're physically separated, and believe in the cause, and believe that it is fully justified...... then, does that lessen the "feeling" of "wanting the person physically close to me"....

I think there is a relationship there.... you may still care about the person, and think bout the person..... but may not have the desire to have them physically near to you.

Maneka: oh see thtas what i dont agree with

the feeling of wanting the person physically near is regardless of understanding, regardless of truly appreciating the cause of the separation

me: then why don't i have an intense desire to be physically near to my parents?

because i don't care about them as much?

Maneka: no, but you're not the one in the position to do as much of the missing

me: why?

Maneka: because you're occupied with something new, exciting, and that youre passionate about and frankly... i think kids miss their parents lessthan the reverse

me: so is that the answer? everyone needs to be occupied with something they're passionate bout.

Maneka: ehh, i think its connected to the relationship too

its always hard for parents when kids are far

Maneka: parents arent used to it, whereas kids are ready for it

me: next time you get a feeling of "missing".... be it your parents, be it me, be it Neil..... examine the feeling... where's it coming from... what it actually is... possibly, it's different components....

me: we use words.... but we don't even know what they really stand for... their real meaning...... we use them because we see them being used....

and are used to using them.

Maneka: well,

i dont know if i need to be able to define missing to understand it...

me: i'm not saying "define" it in words...

Maneka: i know exactly what i mean when i say it, and i assume the person im saying it to knows what i mean

me: but actually know what the feeling is..... instead of saying "I miss you".... describe the feeling to me... that would probably be of more value. What you feel, what my parents feel, what I feel is probably all different.... yet, each will say "I miss you".

Maneka: hmm

that is true

well, here is what i mean,

i mean, i am thinking about you, i care about you, i want you to be out there doing your thing, but it would be nice if you were here too

me: hahaha.... thanks.

Maneka: oh

and also, when you are gone, there is something 'missing' in life

THAT is what i mean

me: the void. yes... that plays a role in this as well.

and we could go into what that void actually is (again.. different for each person).. but let's not go into it... for the sake of sanity.

Maneka: hahha

ok

me: overall... i think understanding/knowing plays a big role in our feelings/emotions.... don't agree or disagree with me, yet...

just take a look for yourself... and get back to me later..

Maneka: ok

that seems like a good plan

me: my proposal is that in its purest, ideal form "physical closeness" is entirely separate from "mental and emotional closeness"

Maneka: thats an interesting proposal,

but some would argue, that in certain relationships, emotional and physical closeness are intimately tied

neil has made that exact claim to me quite often

me: i'm saying in its purest, ideal form.. which equals complete, right understanding.

i think for those where emotional and physical closeness are tied.... there's some glitch in the relationship.... which isn't a bad thing... no relationship is perfect... also a relationship btwn. boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife has a physical component to it. (added after the convo)

Maneka: hmm

thats interesting

and hard to swallow

but i can see that its possible

i guess theoretically it makes sense, but i dont like the thought of it

me: i love the thought of it... it means you're emotionally tied to everyone all the time...

it's beautiful

Maneka: i suppose

me: haha.

Maneka: hehe well it makes sense

but obviously im not there yet and the thought of physical separation from people saddens me